Time, why don't they sell THAT on Etsy?!

Time.

It used to be my best ally, now I feel like it's my enemy. I never have enough of it, and it drags on and speeds up whenever most inconvenient. My life-long strategy of deciding what would be the ideal amount of time to spend on something each day and then plunging right into said schedule does not serve me now--I'm officially an adult, with a 9-5 job and a husband/house in the evenings and weekends.

Not that I am complaining about Caleb's presence in my life. In fact, I choose to spend every spare moment with him because, well, I WANT to. But it used to be just me, my job, my cat and my hobbies, and now I'm trying to maintain that while also being married. And having a social life.

My new years resolutions have already fallen apart. And I think that means that I just need to rethink mostly everything. Not EVERYTHING everything, but close to it. Why do I spend my days at work filing another person's papers, and my evenings filing my own? Where's the joy, the pizazz, the energy of life in all that?

I know that since the bipolar finally crippled me to the point on non-functionality a few years ago that my life-living methods have had and still need a major overhaul. I am stable now, but drastically changed, somewhat for worse but mostly for the better.

Gone are the days I could cram full of "me-stuff." Gone are the days of working, working, working until I fell into bed at night. Gone are the days of giddy excitement or stomach-curdling disappointment at every small event.

I want to take all that was good about the old and toss everything else. I used to run myself into the ground with both quality AND quantity, fueled by the adrenaline and drive of a relentless need to pursue perfection in everything. I could feel opposite emotions at once, and choose which to show and in what way.

But I don't want that now. I want a little of only the best things, to enjoy rather than to be giddy or happy or "driven," to be able to relax instead of being wound so tight I had to either be full-steam-ahead or unconscious.

As you know, Caleb and I recently started up an online store selling my artwork and various derivatives of select pieces. And yet again, I approached it with the "full-steam-ahead or unconscious" mentality. And I've found myself more than once regretting opening the store, and then being surprised speechless at that regret. Regret opening the store? But that's been my lifelong dream since I was like ... five. Which tells me that the fault is with my methods, not my goals. Talk about a MAJOR wake-up call.

Slowly. Quality. Enjoyment. These are my new mantras. Help keep me accountable, will ya?

Peace,
Emily